We have done major renovations to our house pretty much from the day we took possession. It has been a work in progress...with brief periods of just living in it and catching our breath before starting another project.
One project that has been waiting to be finished is the treads of our new stairs. They have just been plywood for a few years. There is a big long boring story why...it involves the cost of bamboo nosing which isn't as interesting as it sounds. In the past few weeks my husband decided to make the nosing himself, saving us hundreds of dollars. They look awesome and I am so grateful that I am married to someone with mad skills in this area.
We are having my husband's side of the family over for a late Christmas celebration in a few days. Last week he decided that he didn't want to have another family gathering with that project still unfinished....it was a good excuse for a deadline.
He worked diligently making up all of the nosings...pumping them out with alarming speed. They look awesome and we couldn't wait to see them in place.
We were 4 days out from the big day when he saw a show on tv that changed the course of next few days...and the likelihood of the stairs being finished in time to show them off to his family. This program was about coupons. About people who collect coupons to such a degree that they can buy $800 worth of groceries and only pay $20. They have garages full of literally thousands of boxes of Total cereal...or hand soap. So much that they often donate these items to their churches to distribute to the needy. This is a very noble thing to do...and quite the hobby. It is usually a hobby born out of need...they started doing this coupon cutting because they didn't have enough money to see them through to the next paycheck.
We are not in the same predicament. We live a comfortable life, and never have the gut wrenching feeling of wondering how we are going to make ends meet. However, this doesn't stop my husband from becoming obsessed with the concept of getting something for nothing through the art of coupon collecting.
At first I thought he was just intrigued...just curious about how this works and how many opportunities for this activity are available in Canada. However, the favorites file on my computer tells a different tale. There are now half a dozen coupon sites there. This puzzled me a little but I didn't give it much thought.
I headed out later that day to go to Costco on a mission to buy the necessary supplies for the upcoming late Christmas gathering. However, everyone else in the world was there to get ready for New Year's Eve so it was a hot mess in the land of over-spending.
I don't like shopping in these situations. I get very grouchy and unpleasant. I just want everyone to piss off and leave me to do my shopping. I always end up feeling that my need for 2 litres of maple syrup should somehow trump their need for 2 litres of maple syrup and therefore they have no earthly right to be standing in my way.
My common decency was hanging on by a thread when I received a call from home. I figured that there was something that needed to be added to the endless list of things I was to hunt for in this square mile of gluttony and consumerism. Sadly, this was not the case.
My newly obsessed husband was calling to let me know that he had found a series of coupons that would allow him to purchase some ungodly amount of Degree antiperspirant for under a dollar. Immediately I thought of how much I don't like Degree antiperspirant. I then thought of our garage filled with cases of pit-stick. Why? Whhhhyyyyy, I thought. Then he told me something that stunned me even more. He told me that these coupons were expired. What the hell? Why are you calling me? Why is this conversation even taking place at all? Don't you realize I am in the pit of hell...trying to hunt and gather for when your family comes over? Is there a coupon that will make this stop? Is there some online offer we can sign up for by giving away all of our inner-most secret information that will make you go back to installing our stairs?
There is no such coupon.
I tell him that this is excellent news about the expired antiperspirant deal of the century and then ask him how the stairs are coming along. He then told me a lie.
Long story short...my question is this:
WTF???
Friday, December 31, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
There's always tomorrow
Today I woke up with the intention of practising some of my resolutions...so that January 1st isn't a complete shock to my system.
I slept in to avoid any undue physical exertion that being awake for the full 16 hours or so that a normal day might provide. However, the more time you spend sleeping the less time there is for smoking and shouting at the kids. So I eventually decided I best get up to get cracking at those resolutions.
I got up...poured a coffee...had a smoke...checked my email. Then I did my morning facebook routine: Bejeweled Blitz- first few rounds without using any boosts because they are wasted on my caffeine deprived brain...then a few rounds using the boosts once the nicotine and caffeine have seeped in. Back outside for some more smoking and then back in to check my email and facebook again.
After a few more smokes and checking my email and facebook a few more times it was time to turn my attention to breakfast. Since today was a warm up for the new year to come, I decided on a huge glass of eggnog with a few fingers of rum...and several cigarettes. This seemed to be in keeping with the goals I am working towards.
However, just as I was going to tuck in to my calorie-rich alcoholic breakfast the phone rang. This call would thwart all of my plans of sticking to my new program. I had completely forgotten to go to work. The call came half an hour into my shift so the best I could do was to be an hour late.
I left my delicious egg-noggy glass and ran to my bedroom to chuck on my uniform and grab my ID. A quick trip to the bathroom to try to put on makeup in under 30 seconds without ending up with the face of a mental patient and I was in the kitchen dumping my coffee in a travel mug and I was out the door, running for the car.
Only 15 minutes had passed since I had received that fateful call and I had already committed two no-nos on my quest towards my goals. 1. I had RUN 2. I had skipped the most important meal of the day. When I reached the parking lot I grabbed my stuff and again RAN inside. You have to believe me when I tell you that I fully intended to take the elevator up the one floor...I assure you I did. However, I was an hour late for work at this point and the elevators were both several floors up. I'm sure you see where this is going...I took the stairs.
I felt just absolutely horrible about it...not only the shame of getting off to a horrid start with my vow to not exercise...but I felt horrible about it because as I mentioned...I had already ran...TWICE...and now here I was leaping up the stairs. I was lightheaded and shaky and I really needed to just sit down and have a cigarette so I could catch my breath. But I couldn't...so I soldiered on down the hall to my department.
Being so late for work meant that I hadn't had a chance to make my lunch. I was happy because I saw this as the perfect opportunity to concentrate further on my weight gain. I work at the hospital. Being a place of healing and sick people, you might assume that it's cafeteria would provide healthy nutritious food to comfort both the sick, and those who are caring for the sick. Alas this is so not true. We have two dining options. The first is the main cafeteria which provides greasy pizza, hot foods that I usually can not even identify even though they put a plate of it out to entice people to order it. It is usually something under red sauce...with some iceberg lettuce beside it that is as brown as the edges of whatever the main course is that they've burned. There is also a wide selection of unidentifiable baked goods that you swear they've mislabeled because you've never seen a cherry danish look quite like that. If that doesn't float your boat you can head upstairs where there is a little half-assed Tim Hortons. Also known for their healthy selections, at Timmys you can pick up a wide variety of calorie-rich, nutritionally-void foods, along with your double-double.
I was excited at the prospect of choosing my lunch from all of these fattening options. I felt certain that I would be able to find something that would reverse the effects of my running up that flight of stairs. However, when my coworker got back from her lunch break with a piece of the pizza that was on offer my hope instantly faded. Her pizza was not only raw in the middle, but it really looked like someone peeled it off their tire after driving over some road-kill. She left it sitting beside me for awhile and I spent some time just staring at it. My heart sank as I realized that I may not have the will-power to achieve my resolutions. A truly disciplined person would suck it up and go get themselves their own slice of road-kill. They would take the elevator down that one storey and just bloody well do it...for the good of their spirit. But as I watched her pizza slowly give up its greasy juices to the paper plate that held it I realized that I am not that person. I simply could not eat that pizza.
I spent the next half an hour considering my options...I wondered if I could get through the rest of my shift if I bought a box of 20 timbits and just doled those out over the next 6 hours. I had even thought that was my plan. But again I sabotaged my progress toward weight gain. As I stood in line and my turn neared I almost couldn't believe it as my hand reached out into the cooler with the door that never closes and grabbed an egg salad sandwich on multigrain bread that was packed full of lettuce. I immediately felt shame. I felt like everyone was staring at me and thinking to themselves that here was a person who had no will power. I couldn't even make eye contact with the special needs cashier as he took my money...I simply scurried out the front doors toward the smoke-pit as I tried to shield my sandwich from prying eyes by shoving it into the front pocket of my scrub shirt.
As I sat outside, shielding myself from the icy winds, garbage and stray ashes that swirl around our little smoking area a thought occurred to me. Perhaps in some sort of soul-cleansing, karma-like, universal act of self punishment, I could atone for my egg salad debacle by contracting some sort of gastrointestinal bug from the sandwich being located close to the front of the cooler with the door that never closes. Maybe if I spend 24 hours hunched over the toilet evacuating every molecule of off-mayonnaise that was in me I will learn the lesson to stick to my plan...that I would somehow be redeemed.
I am sad to say the egg-salad was perfectly fresh. On the bright side...throwing up for 24 hours would have resulted in unwanted weight loss.
Oh well...there's always tomorrow.
I slept in to avoid any undue physical exertion that being awake for the full 16 hours or so that a normal day might provide. However, the more time you spend sleeping the less time there is for smoking and shouting at the kids. So I eventually decided I best get up to get cracking at those resolutions.
I got up...poured a coffee...had a smoke...checked my email. Then I did my morning facebook routine: Bejeweled Blitz- first few rounds without using any boosts because they are wasted on my caffeine deprived brain...then a few rounds using the boosts once the nicotine and caffeine have seeped in. Back outside for some more smoking and then back in to check my email and facebook again.
After a few more smokes and checking my email and facebook a few more times it was time to turn my attention to breakfast. Since today was a warm up for the new year to come, I decided on a huge glass of eggnog with a few fingers of rum...and several cigarettes. This seemed to be in keeping with the goals I am working towards.
However, just as I was going to tuck in to my calorie-rich alcoholic breakfast the phone rang. This call would thwart all of my plans of sticking to my new program. I had completely forgotten to go to work. The call came half an hour into my shift so the best I could do was to be an hour late.
I left my delicious egg-noggy glass and ran to my bedroom to chuck on my uniform and grab my ID. A quick trip to the bathroom to try to put on makeup in under 30 seconds without ending up with the face of a mental patient and I was in the kitchen dumping my coffee in a travel mug and I was out the door, running for the car.
Only 15 minutes had passed since I had received that fateful call and I had already committed two no-nos on my quest towards my goals. 1. I had RUN 2. I had skipped the most important meal of the day. When I reached the parking lot I grabbed my stuff and again RAN inside. You have to believe me when I tell you that I fully intended to take the elevator up the one floor...I assure you I did. However, I was an hour late for work at this point and the elevators were both several floors up. I'm sure you see where this is going...I took the stairs.
I felt just absolutely horrible about it...not only the shame of getting off to a horrid start with my vow to not exercise...but I felt horrible about it because as I mentioned...I had already ran...TWICE...and now here I was leaping up the stairs. I was lightheaded and shaky and I really needed to just sit down and have a cigarette so I could catch my breath. But I couldn't...so I soldiered on down the hall to my department.
Being so late for work meant that I hadn't had a chance to make my lunch. I was happy because I saw this as the perfect opportunity to concentrate further on my weight gain. I work at the hospital. Being a place of healing and sick people, you might assume that it's cafeteria would provide healthy nutritious food to comfort both the sick, and those who are caring for the sick. Alas this is so not true. We have two dining options. The first is the main cafeteria which provides greasy pizza, hot foods that I usually can not even identify even though they put a plate of it out to entice people to order it. It is usually something under red sauce...with some iceberg lettuce beside it that is as brown as the edges of whatever the main course is that they've burned. There is also a wide selection of unidentifiable baked goods that you swear they've mislabeled because you've never seen a cherry danish look quite like that. If that doesn't float your boat you can head upstairs where there is a little half-assed Tim Hortons. Also known for their healthy selections, at Timmys you can pick up a wide variety of calorie-rich, nutritionally-void foods, along with your double-double.
I was excited at the prospect of choosing my lunch from all of these fattening options. I felt certain that I would be able to find something that would reverse the effects of my running up that flight of stairs. However, when my coworker got back from her lunch break with a piece of the pizza that was on offer my hope instantly faded. Her pizza was not only raw in the middle, but it really looked like someone peeled it off their tire after driving over some road-kill. She left it sitting beside me for awhile and I spent some time just staring at it. My heart sank as I realized that I may not have the will-power to achieve my resolutions. A truly disciplined person would suck it up and go get themselves their own slice of road-kill. They would take the elevator down that one storey and just bloody well do it...for the good of their spirit. But as I watched her pizza slowly give up its greasy juices to the paper plate that held it I realized that I am not that person. I simply could not eat that pizza.
I spent the next half an hour considering my options...I wondered if I could get through the rest of my shift if I bought a box of 20 timbits and just doled those out over the next 6 hours. I had even thought that was my plan. But again I sabotaged my progress toward weight gain. As I stood in line and my turn neared I almost couldn't believe it as my hand reached out into the cooler with the door that never closes and grabbed an egg salad sandwich on multigrain bread that was packed full of lettuce. I immediately felt shame. I felt like everyone was staring at me and thinking to themselves that here was a person who had no will power. I couldn't even make eye contact with the special needs cashier as he took my money...I simply scurried out the front doors toward the smoke-pit as I tried to shield my sandwich from prying eyes by shoving it into the front pocket of my scrub shirt.
As I sat outside, shielding myself from the icy winds, garbage and stray ashes that swirl around our little smoking area a thought occurred to me. Perhaps in some sort of soul-cleansing, karma-like, universal act of self punishment, I could atone for my egg salad debacle by contracting some sort of gastrointestinal bug from the sandwich being located close to the front of the cooler with the door that never closes. Maybe if I spend 24 hours hunched over the toilet evacuating every molecule of off-mayonnaise that was in me I will learn the lesson to stick to my plan...that I would somehow be redeemed.
I am sad to say the egg-salad was perfectly fresh. On the bright side...throwing up for 24 hours would have resulted in unwanted weight loss.
Oh well...there's always tomorrow.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
resolutions = shame spiral
every year people find themselves on the other side of christmas...presents opened....turkeys eaten...decorations limply hanging off of roofs and shrubbery looking sad and pathetic. in an effort to feel better about the year ahead...a monotony of work household chores and yelling at their kids...people like to make new year's resolutions. THIS will be the year that i finally get in shape. THIS is the year that i will better myself and my career. THIS is the year that i will spend more meaningful time with my family. but everyone knows that as january turns into the cold rainy hell that is february all of these good intentions fall by the wayside...along with the christmas tree that never quite made it to the boy scouts tree chipping day...and the sad and pathetic lights that are still hanging limply from the shrubbery...and the ever mounting recycling box full of christmas wrapping paper that is still in the basement long past recycling day. we do this so that we can cling to the vain hope that next year we will be better than we were for the past 12 months. but the reality is that the resulting failure to accomplish these goals sends us into a shame spiral that lasts until january 1st roles around again and we get to start the process all over again.
this year i have decided to go against the grain...to be realistic and to set myself up for success. the following is a list of my new year's resolutions for 2011. this is my year to shine!
1. be a completely committed smoker. really engage in the act of finding pleasure and calm from polluting my body with over 1000 different harmful chemicals
2. strive to gain at least 5lbs each month. by paring back on any physical activities and upping my daily caloric intake this one should be a breeze. i intend to find new hobbies that will contribute to my achievement of this one. bingo nights, watching the entire lost series, and vowing to always take the elevator are positive steps i will take to have this resolution in the bag!
3. freak at my children daily. by the end of 2011 i want to be the best walmart-shouty-parent you've ever seen (or heard.) i want people to turn and look at me and think 'wow...she's the shoutiest parent in the whole world.' i want to be the one who balances off the other parents who repress these natural instincts in an effort not to be shouty. i am counting on my kids to help me with this goal by continuing to leave their wet towels all over the house, arguing about bedtimes and bickering with each other constantly about inane things.
4. drink every day. this may seem like a big commitment for someone who often goes weeks at a time without drinking. but i feel this is one goal that will help me to achieve resolution #2. if not carried out correctly it may hinder #3 but i feel that if enough quantity is consumed, that i can add drunken shouting to my list of new talents. it's all about achieving that delicate balance of not just being relaxed and mellow, but being aggressive and incoherent. i have many friends who will be no end of support for me as i work toward this goal. (you know who you are!)
5. this year i will not do anything that may educate me in any way. a steady diet of facebook applications and video games and careful selection of my reading materials should make this one a breeze. i am considering re-reading the twilight trilogy...and if i read very slowly with my finger to help me scan the page, and my lips mouthing each word, i should be able to make these legendary reads last me the whole year.
6. my final resolution is a declaration. from this point on...weekends will now be 'over-use of punctuation day!!!' this one am i really looking forward to!!! who wouldn't ?!?!?! nothing says 'smart girl!!!!' like fifteen exclamation points in quick succession. everyone in my life will most definitely enjoy this one!!! won't they??!!! i may even spice it up further by adding a lot of texting short cuts. who doesn't love to read LOL at the end of every sentence???!!! LMAO!!!!!!
i should also add that instead of working on deepening friendships that i already have, i plan on spending most of my free time with my imaginary friend. her name is helen and she really is the greatest friend anyone could have. she is just a bit heavier than i am...she has just a few more unexpected zits than i do...she makes just a little bit less an hour...her kids are just a bit ugly...she is single and is just a bit envious of my life. she is a great listener...appreciates me so much...and is always there when i need her. i am putting all my eggs in the helen-basket. if my other real-life friendships suffer from our closeness then maybe those friends should look at helen and try to be a little bit more like her.
so there you have it. 6 reasons to get up each morning. a plan for the next 12 months. something to work toward...something to focus on. i hope you will join me on this journey of self exploration. and i also hope that you will help this go viral so that i can quit my job!!!!! LOL!!!! LMAO!!!!!(oh wait...it's only tuesday)
this year i have decided to go against the grain...to be realistic and to set myself up for success. the following is a list of my new year's resolutions for 2011. this is my year to shine!
1. be a completely committed smoker. really engage in the act of finding pleasure and calm from polluting my body with over 1000 different harmful chemicals
2. strive to gain at least 5lbs each month. by paring back on any physical activities and upping my daily caloric intake this one should be a breeze. i intend to find new hobbies that will contribute to my achievement of this one. bingo nights, watching the entire lost series, and vowing to always take the elevator are positive steps i will take to have this resolution in the bag!
3. freak at my children daily. by the end of 2011 i want to be the best walmart-shouty-parent you've ever seen (or heard.) i want people to turn and look at me and think 'wow...she's the shoutiest parent in the whole world.' i want to be the one who balances off the other parents who repress these natural instincts in an effort not to be shouty. i am counting on my kids to help me with this goal by continuing to leave their wet towels all over the house, arguing about bedtimes and bickering with each other constantly about inane things.
4. drink every day. this may seem like a big commitment for someone who often goes weeks at a time without drinking. but i feel this is one goal that will help me to achieve resolution #2. if not carried out correctly it may hinder #3 but i feel that if enough quantity is consumed, that i can add drunken shouting to my list of new talents. it's all about achieving that delicate balance of not just being relaxed and mellow, but being aggressive and incoherent. i have many friends who will be no end of support for me as i work toward this goal. (you know who you are!)
5. this year i will not do anything that may educate me in any way. a steady diet of facebook applications and video games and careful selection of my reading materials should make this one a breeze. i am considering re-reading the twilight trilogy...and if i read very slowly with my finger to help me scan the page, and my lips mouthing each word, i should be able to make these legendary reads last me the whole year.
6. my final resolution is a declaration. from this point on...weekends will now be 'over-use of punctuation day!!!' this one am i really looking forward to!!! who wouldn't ?!?!?! nothing says 'smart girl!!!!' like fifteen exclamation points in quick succession. everyone in my life will most definitely enjoy this one!!! won't they??!!! i may even spice it up further by adding a lot of texting short cuts. who doesn't love to read LOL at the end of every sentence???!!! LMAO!!!!!!
i should also add that instead of working on deepening friendships that i already have, i plan on spending most of my free time with my imaginary friend. her name is helen and she really is the greatest friend anyone could have. she is just a bit heavier than i am...she has just a few more unexpected zits than i do...she makes just a little bit less an hour...her kids are just a bit ugly...she is single and is just a bit envious of my life. she is a great listener...appreciates me so much...and is always there when i need her. i am putting all my eggs in the helen-basket. if my other real-life friendships suffer from our closeness then maybe those friends should look at helen and try to be a little bit more like her.
so there you have it. 6 reasons to get up each morning. a plan for the next 12 months. something to work toward...something to focus on. i hope you will join me on this journey of self exploration. and i also hope that you will help this go viral so that i can quit my job!!!!! LOL!!!! LMAO!!!!!(oh wait...it's only tuesday)
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