There's always tomorrow

Today I woke up with the intention of practising some of my resolutions...so that January 1st isn't a complete shock to my system. 

I slept in to avoid any undue physical exertion that being awake for the full 16 hours or so that a normal day might provide.  However, the more time you spend sleeping the less time there is for smoking and shouting at the kids.  So I eventually decided I best get up to get cracking at those resolutions.

I got up...poured a coffee...had a smoke...checked my email.  Then I did my morning facebook routine:  Bejeweled Blitz- first few rounds without using any boosts because they are wasted on my caffeine deprived brain...then a few rounds using the boosts once the nicotine and caffeine have seeped in.  Back outside for some more smoking and then back in to check my email and facebook again. 

After a few more smokes and checking my email and facebook a few more times it was time to turn my attention to breakfast.  Since today was a warm up for the new year to come, I decided on a huge glass of eggnog with a few fingers of rum...and several cigarettes.  This seemed to be in keeping with the goals I am working towards.

However, just as I was going to tuck in to my calorie-rich alcoholic breakfast the phone rang.  This call would thwart all of my plans of sticking to my new program.  I had completely forgotten to go to work.  The call came half an hour into my shift so the best I could do was to be an hour late. 

I left my delicious egg-noggy glass and ran to my bedroom to chuck on my uniform and grab my ID.  A quick trip to the bathroom to try to put on makeup in under 30 seconds without ending up with the face of a mental patient and I was in the kitchen dumping my coffee in a travel mug and I was out the door, running for the car. 

Only 15 minutes had passed since I had received that fateful call and I had already committed two no-nos on my quest towards my goals.  1. I had RUN  2. I had skipped the most important meal of the day.  When I reached the parking lot I grabbed my stuff and again RAN inside.  You have to believe me when I tell you that I fully intended to take the elevator up the one floor...I assure you I did.  However, I was an hour late for work at this point and the elevators were both several floors up.  I'm sure you see where this is going...I took the stairs. 

I felt just absolutely horrible about it...not only the shame of getting off to a horrid start with my vow to not exercise...but I felt horrible about it because as I mentioned...I had already ran...TWICE...and now here I was leaping up the stairs.  I was lightheaded and shaky and I really needed to just sit down and have a cigarette so I could catch my breath.  But I couldn't...so I soldiered on down the hall to my department. 

Being so late for work meant that I hadn't had a chance to make my lunch.  I was happy because I saw this as the perfect opportunity to concentrate further on my weight gain.  I work at the hospital.  Being a place of healing and sick people, you might assume that it's cafeteria would provide healthy nutritious food to comfort both the sick, and those who are caring for the sick.  Alas this is so not true.  We have two dining options.  The first is the main cafeteria which provides greasy pizza, hot foods that I usually can not even identify even though they put a plate of it out to entice people to order it.  It is usually something under red sauce...with some iceberg lettuce beside it that is as brown as the edges of whatever the main course is that they've burned.  There is also a wide selection of unidentifiable baked goods that you swear they've mislabeled because you've never seen a cherry danish look quite like that.  If that doesn't float your boat you can head upstairs where there is a little half-assed Tim Hortons.  Also known for their healthy selections, at Timmys you can pick up a wide variety of calorie-rich, nutritionally-void foods, along with your double-double.

I was excited at the prospect of choosing my lunch from all of these fattening options.  I felt certain that I would be able to find something that would reverse the effects of my running up that flight of stairs.   However, when my coworker got back from her lunch break with a piece of the pizza that was on offer my hope instantly faded.  Her pizza was not only raw in the middle, but it really looked like someone peeled it off their tire after driving over some road-kill.  She left it sitting beside me for awhile and I spent some time just staring at it.  My heart sank as I realized that I may not have the will-power to achieve my resolutions.  A truly disciplined person would suck it up and go get themselves their own slice of road-kill.  They would take the elevator down that one storey and just bloody well do it...for the good of their spirit.  But as I watched her pizza slowly give up its greasy juices to the paper plate that held it I realized that I am not that person.  I simply could not eat that pizza.

I spent the next half an hour considering my options...I wondered if I could get through the rest of my shift if I bought a box of 20 timbits and just doled those out over the next 6 hours.  I had even thought that was my plan.  But again I sabotaged my progress toward weight gain.  As I stood in line and my turn neared I almost couldn't believe it as my hand reached out into the cooler with the door that never closes and grabbed an egg salad sandwich on multigrain bread that was packed full of lettuce.  I immediately felt shame.  I felt like everyone was staring at me and thinking to themselves that here was a person who had no will power.  I couldn't even make eye contact with the special needs cashier as he took my money...I simply scurried out the front doors toward the smoke-pit as I tried to shield my sandwich from prying eyes by shoving it into the front pocket of my scrub shirt.

As I sat outside, shielding myself from the icy winds, garbage and stray ashes that swirl around our little smoking area a thought occurred to me.  Perhaps in some sort of soul-cleansing, karma-like, universal act of self punishment, I could atone for my egg salad debacle by contracting some sort of gastrointestinal bug from the sandwich being located close to the front of the cooler with the door that never closes.  Maybe if I spend 24 hours hunched over the toilet evacuating every molecule of off-mayonnaise that was in me I will learn the lesson to stick to my plan...that I would somehow be redeemed. 

I am sad to say the egg-salad was perfectly fresh.  On the bright side...throwing up for 24 hours would have resulted in unwanted weight loss. 

Oh well...there's always tomorrow.