Well here it is!!! The first day of a whole new year!!! The first day of my journey toward gluttony and bad parenting!!! I am giddy with excitement!!! LOL LMAO Lungs - you've been warned. Waistline - you've been warned. Kids, liver and brain - you've been warned!!!
You also may have noticed that it's the weekend!!! Two days of over-punctuation??!!! And predictable, over used outbursts!!! OMG!!!
The day began perfectly to help me to start how I mean to go on! It started with a huge brunch that my parents treated us to...ringing in the new year with carbs and obscene amounts of fat!!! We sat together around the table as maple syrup and grease ran down our chins...reminiscing about the past year! The only time we came close to balancing off our overindulgence was when we sprinted back to the tables that held the feast to pile our plate high again with foods you only eat when a special occaision gives you the ok to do so. I enjoyed watching my son, face shiny from his nose to his chin, telling me how good the eggs benedict was. Or my daughter who looked like she was wearing reverse black face after enjoying several pieces of chocolate mousse cake!!! LOL When everyone's buttons had popped, and the ensuing groans of contentment and gastric complaints were heard around the table, we headed for home...our arms straining to achieve the thank you hugs that were now made more challenging by our distended bellies.
Once home, I started right in on another one of my resolutions. Because my kids thought it was a great idea to stay up until midnight last night, they were understandably rangy today. OMG!! This provided many opportunities to work on my shouting. I am sure they meant it when they told me "okay...I'm on it" after the third time I asked them to move their shoes and jackets from the hall where they dropped them as they walked through the door. Their bleary-eyed faces seemed to convey their honest intention to put their belongings away where they belonged. The same applies to their granola bar wrappers, wet towels from their morning showers, markers and paper, empty juice glasses, blankets, pillows, dolls, doll clothes, doll carriage, doll bottles, yoyo, deck of cards, another granola bar wrapper and the hamster. However well intentioned they were...they did not follow through, probably due to lack of sleep and too many cake-enduced endorphins. Every time I turned around they were in front of one screen or another...eyes glazed...hand clutching their bellies...far away look in their eyes.
I did lots of shouting today!!! It felt good!!! It felt productive...like I was on a roll after getting such a jump on the day's eating regime. I tried "frustrated" shouting. Then went for a "oh-you-kids-will-be-the-death-of-me" style of shouting. The eye-rolling "teenager" shouting. One highlight for me was my "you don't appreciate everything your dad and I do for you" shouting. That one is my favorite.
Clearly I am out of shape though...I could only keep it up for a few hours!!! Eventually I reverted back to my old, unhealthy routine of quietly muttering under my breath as I cleared their things away myself. And I felt myself having unhelpful thoughts...thoughts like "they're exhausted...they need some down time" Such thoughts are counter productive to my new lifestyle and therefore I tried very hard to push them out of my head. This just goes to show how diligent you have to be in order to break old habits and stick to your new way of living!
Having the eating and shouting well under way I then turned my attention on my smoking. Oh how I smoked. I smoked and smoked today. I think if I had occasion to sing the national anthem today I would need to sing it 2 octaves down!!! LOL!!! And speaking of laughing out loud...I'm fairly certain that if there is any chance that I laugh this evening, it will end in fits of choking gasping seizures as my lungs are almost completely gummed up with tar. God I'm doing great at this!!! I feel certain that I could compete at the international level of smoking if my training regime can maintain this pace!!! Emphezema...eat your heart out. Your ass is MINE!
In an effort not to burn out too soon, I am saving the drinking for tomorrow. As I have mentioned, my husband's family is coming to our place for a late Christmas tomorrow...all 25 of them. This seems like the perfect time to begin work on my drinking. OMG!!! There is a LOT of things to do tomorrow to get ready. I think that being slightly akilter starting bright and early should really up my productivity. I am sure that everyone will understand that surely I can't be expected to do my share. Not with such lofty goals to acheive and it being only the second day of my journey.
I'm sure no one will be dismayed by the 3 inches of dog hair that is currently covering all of our hardwood floors. That when they hear that I needed to start my drinking at first light and was therefore unable to vacuum, that they will certainly just make a helpful comment about how it's just like having new wall-to-wall carpeting. Or that if we have nothing left to drink for them, that I have only done them a favor considering the new drunk-driving laws that have recently come in. And I think that if everyone who is coming just washes up one dirty pot apiece, the kitchen will be clear in no time at all. So I feel confident that everything will work out just fine, even if I am unable to stand vertically by the time our guests arrive!
So there it is!!! As they say...every great journey begins with one step. I think that todays was one big, greasy, frosted, shouty, carcinogenic step in the right direction. OMG!!!
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