resolutions = shame spiral

every year people find themselves on the other side of christmas...presents opened....turkeys eaten...decorations limply hanging off of roofs and shrubbery looking sad and pathetic.  in an effort to feel better about the year ahead...a monotony of work household chores and yelling at their kids...people like to make new year's resolutions.  THIS will be the year that i finally get in shape.  THIS is the year that i will better myself and my career.  THIS is the year that i will spend more meaningful time with my family.  but everyone knows that as january turns into the cold rainy hell that is february all of these good intentions fall by the wayside...along with the christmas tree that never quite made it to the boy scouts tree chipping day...and the sad and pathetic lights that are still hanging limply from the shrubbery...and the ever mounting recycling box full of christmas wrapping paper that is still in the basement long past recycling day.  we do this so that we can cling to the vain hope that next year we will be better than we were for the past 12 months.  but the reality is that the resulting failure to accomplish these goals sends us into a shame spiral that lasts until january 1st roles around again and we get to start the process all over again.
this year i have decided to go against the grain...to be realistic and to set myself up for success.  the following is a list of my new year's resolutions for 2011.  this is my year to shine!


1.     be a completely committed smoker.  really engage in the act of finding pleasure and calm from polluting my body with over 1000 different harmful chemicals


2.     strive to gain at least 5lbs each month.  by paring back on any physical activities and upping my daily caloric intake this one should be a breeze.  i intend to find new hobbies that will contribute to my achievement of this one.  bingo nights, watching the entire lost series, and vowing to always take the elevator are positive steps i will take to have this resolution in the bag!


3.     freak at my children daily.  by the end of 2011 i want to be the best walmart-shouty-parent you've ever seen (or heard.) i want people to turn and look at me and think 'wow...she's the shoutiest parent in the whole world.'  i want to be the one who balances off the other parents who repress these natural instincts in an effort not to be shouty.  i am counting on my kids to help me with this goal by continuing to leave their wet towels all over the house, arguing about bedtimes and bickering with each other constantly about inane things.


4.     drink every day.  this may seem like a big commitment for someone who often goes weeks at a time without drinking.  but i feel this is one goal that will help me to achieve resolution #2.  if not carried out correctly it may hinder #3 but i feel that if enough quantity is consumed, that i can add drunken shouting to my list of new talents.  it's all about achieving that delicate balance of not just being relaxed and mellow, but being aggressive and incoherent.  i have many friends who will be no end of support for me as i work toward this goal.  (you know who you are!)


5.     this year i will not do anything that may educate me in any way.  a steady diet of facebook applications and video games and careful selection of my reading materials should make this one a breeze.  i am considering re-reading the twilight trilogy...and if i read very slowly with my finger to help me scan the page, and my lips mouthing each word, i should be able to make these legendary reads last me the whole year.   


6.     my final resolution is a declaration.  from this point on...weekends will now be 'over-use of punctuation day!!!'  this one am i really looking forward to!!!  who wouldn't ?!?!?!  nothing says 'smart girl!!!!' like fifteen exclamation points in quick succession.  everyone in my life will most definitely enjoy this one!!!  won't they??!!!  i may even spice it up further by adding a lot of texting short cuts.  who doesn't love to read LOL at the end of every sentence???!!! LMAO!!!!!!


i should also add that instead of working on deepening friendships that i already have, i plan on spending most of my free time with my imaginary friend.  her name is helen and she really is the greatest friend anyone could have.  she is just a bit heavier than i am...she has just a few more unexpected zits than i do...she makes just a little bit less an hour...her kids are just a bit ugly...she is single and is just a bit envious of my life.  she is a great listener...appreciates me so much...and is always there when i need her.  i am putting all my eggs in the helen-basket.  if my other real-life friendships suffer from our closeness then maybe those friends should look at helen and try to be a little bit more like her.


so there you have it.  6 reasons to get up each morning.  a plan for the next 12 months.  something to work toward...something to focus on.  i hope you will join me on this journey of self exploration.  and i also hope that you will help this go viral so that i can quit my job!!!!!  LOL!!!! LMAO!!!!!(oh wait...it's only tuesday)